I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
