Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
