Only a mothe r could love this liver
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I need a beard to bite.
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