I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Can I color on your dick again?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
