dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
