I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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