You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize