i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
