Where did you get a picture of my penis
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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