I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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