I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
