i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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