Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
