Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
