When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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