today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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