Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
