Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
