she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
