Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She's the barista slut.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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