I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
