fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
