Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
