I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
