after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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