youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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