I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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