I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
