thus making me awesome and them whores
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
