Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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