ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
