five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
