i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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