forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize