By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
