Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
