I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize