Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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