Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
