Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
