Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you had me at cake vodka
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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