He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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