We should be called the Road Head Warriors
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
