Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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