I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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