So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
