Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
