I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
