Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
