To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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