So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
