On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize