i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
