And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
