wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
