i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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