I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
