your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
