Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
