I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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